


Ed Walks Into a Bar

by coolcat001100



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, RWBY
Genre: Edward hates milk, Ruby loves milk, You can probably see where this is going
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-31 01:04:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21437644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coolcat001100/pseuds/coolcat001100
Summary: The Fullmetal Alchemist, feeling worn out, decides to try something new to shake things up a bit. The resulting experience is definitely not what he expected... but boy does it end up pissing him off. Or more specifically, two particular girls do.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	Ed Walks Into a Bar

The sounds of the muttering crowd filled throughout the tavern as the bartender brought over his drink, placing it gently on the counter while the fizz on the top bubbled over.

Edward Elric grasped the glass' handle and studied it carefully, already feeling some buyer's remorse. He wasn't exactly well-versed when it came to the consumption of alcohol, to say the least. Coming to this spot in the first place had been entirely on a whim; Ed needed to take his mind off things after how troublesome certain matters had been getting lately, but Alphonse had decided to get in some extra alchemic research when inspiration had struck, so that limited his options right off the bat. No practice sparring, no goofing around, not even just shooting the breeze. He certainly didn't blame his brother for wanting to take advantage of his new ideas, but he just didn't feel like doing much more work at the moment. So he'd headed out into town to see if anything caught his interest when he just so happened to walk by the local bar.

As stubborn as he knew he could be, he figured now would be as well as ever a time to try something different.

It definitely didn't feel like the best investment of time, though. The tavern felt so alien to Ed, too many unfamiliar faces in the kind of place he barely even thought about before. Why did people even come here, anyway? To take part in drinking the liquid in front of him right now? The appeal of it was lost on him; the beer had a somewhat foul odor to it, and the colorization didn't help matters much, either. He knew that it would take more than one glass for it to mess with someone's head, thankfully, but even downing some of this would make him feel a bit dirty inside. All in all, the night wasn't exactly feeling fun yet.

He kept musing for a bit, going back and forth with himself over whether or not he should just leave the glass and go, only breaking out of his thoughts when he heard a chipper voice nearby catching his attention.

"I'd like some milk, please!"

Edward rolled his eyes as he usually did when someone even mentioned the accursed drink, and then did a double take when he thought about where he was hearing it. This was a bar; a bar, of all places, with all the implications of its menu that it carried. Even if he were someone who could tolerate milk in any sense of the word - an idea that was already hard to fathom - who in their right mind would come here just to drink milk? 

He turned to his left and saw the bartender pour a bottle of milk into a glass, setting it in front of a woman wearing a red mantle. She picked it up eagerly, thanked the barkeep, and then tilted her head back as she started gulping it down.

Ed averted his eyes a second after he took in the repulsive sight. Someone enjoyed that vile substance enough to not just order it at the one place where you don't order it, but to chug it down like a cow at a stream? Just the mental imagery of someone taking in gulp after gulp of that disgusting liquid... it was enough to make his stomach turn.

At last he heard the sound of the woman setting her glass back down on the counter, sighing in satisfaction. "Ahh, sweet milk... truly there's few pleasures in life as great as you."

Edward couldn't help but scoff at that. "Tch, please," he said, not caring if she heard him or not, "if that crap ranks that high on your list, you must not get out much."

Sure enough, she took notice, turning her head to face him. "Uh, excuse me?"

"I mean, come on," he said as he turned to her as well, "tolerating it I could kind of get, but saying you love it that much? What are you trying to prove?"

"Um..." she said, not expecting to hold a flash debate on the subjective qualities of milk that evening. "...That I like milk?"

"You know, you don't need to exaggerate it just to sound tough," Ed responded. "I mean, this is a bar - there are tons of people here who know how to sound impressive in far more ways."

"What does liking milk have to do with sounding tough?" the woman asked, genuinely confused. "I mean, unless you mean how strong it makes you."

"Okay, now you're just lying to me," Edward said, starting to get more frustrated. He was used to hearing this bull from Winry and Pinako, but some random girl at a bar who didn't even sound that older than him? What exactly was she getting at, anyway? "That stuff about milk making you stronger? That's a wives' tale. All it really does is make you feel gross and sick while the people who told you otherwise can laugh about it. And what are you doing anyway, ordering it at a bar of all places? What are you, 9?"

Ticked off, the woman stood up from her stool and crossed her arms. "Hey, at least it's healthier than whatever beer you've got right there!"  
"I'd rather drink this stuff a hundred times over than ever touch that foul milk once in my entire life!"

Suddenly, the woman uncrossed her arms, looking a lot less angry. "Wait... you've never drank milk before? Not once in your life?" "Yeah," Ed responded, "and I don't plan to change that anytime soon!"

"Huh... that would explain why you're so small."

...Within a split second, she could see a vein bulge out on the Alchemist's head.

**"What the hell did you just freaking say about me, you little girl?!? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the military academy and I've been involved in numerous criminal investigation missions!!! I've been trained in bio-transmutation and I'm the State Alchemist in-!"**

Before he could continue, the woman placed her hand directly on the top of Ed's chest, right beneath where his collarbones met.

"...Uh-"

Suddenly she pushed with a surprising amount of strength, shoving him right off the barstool and knocking him flat on his back.

The red-cloaked girl stood over him as he groaned. "See, if you drank more milk, you might've been able to withstand that."

"OH, THAT IS IT!" he yelled, jumping back up. "I DON'T NEED YOUR STUPID MILK! YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?! I'M MORE THAN WILLING TO-"

"Hey, hey, what's going on over here?"

Another girl walked over to them, her long golden hair mussing around as she jaunted over. "Ruby, did I just hear yelling?"

Ruby stepped closer to the newcomer. "Yang, this guy was yelling at me just because I said he's little."

"I AM NOT LITTLE!"

"Hey, hey, hey," Yang spoke up, getting between them, "C'mon, Ruby, you should show a bit more respect."

"She... huh?" Edward stuttered, not expecting things to take this turn.

"That guy there? That's Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist."

Ruby's eyes lit up with recognition. "Ohhh, you're _that_ guy?"

"You bet he is. He's done a lot of hard work for this city, and we should respect that."

"Hey, hey, it's fine," Edward said apologetically, holding up his hands. "You don't have to-"

"After all," Yang grinned, spreading her arms, "Alchemists like him are in _short_ supply."

"..."

Edward looked at Yang.

Yang looked at Edward.

Ruby looked at them both.

Somewhere outside, a dog barked.

"..."

**"HOW DARE YOU?!?"**

Ruby tried to hold back her laughter and failed horribly, clutching her chest as she giggled upon seeing Ed's enraged expression.

"What?" Yang asked. "I'm just saying even the higher-ups gotta know it's the _little_ people who make it all work."  
**"YOU THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH THIS JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE TALLER THAN ME?! EVERYONE LOOKS SMALL FROM YOUR VIEW, YOU GIANT...** uh, um-"  
"Hey, don't sweat it. Coming up with insults on the fly is quite the _tall_ feat."  
**"YOU CUT THAT OUT!"**  
"What's that?" Yang asked, holding her hand to her ear. "I can't hear you from all the way up here!"

Ruby's laughter grew louder, and the vein on Edward's head grew bigger.

"OH, JUST FORGET IT! I DON'T NEED THIS ABUSE! THIS TAVERN SMELLS AWFUL ANYWAY!"

With that, the Alchemist stormed off, still stomping his feet as he walked out the door.

"Try not to get trampled by a cat!" Yang shouted after him.

At last Ruby regained her composure, steadying her breath again after all the laughing. "Still as punny as ever, huh Yang?"

"Hey, I'm not gonna let anyone yell at my little sis like that," Yang responded. "Not even the Fullmetal Alchemist."

Before they could continue, the bartender cleared his throat, grabbing their attention. As they turned to him, he pointed to the mug that Edward had left behind, still untouched.

"Don't worry, I've got it," Yang said, pulling out her wallet. "I'm pretty sure it was hardly a _tall_ order."

Ruby chuckled. "C'mon, stop it, sis."

"Hey now," Yang continued, "pitching in for others is no _small_ matter."

Ruby looked directly into her eyes. "Seriously, Yang, stop it."

**Author's Note:**

> I still need to finish Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood...


End file.
